Archive for trafFUCKED

HOT lanes explained

See image. This is all you need to know. Contact your state senator and tell them to support SB 250.

Package from our friends over at WPLG on SB 250.

Pssst, hey guys, back to business

I always loved that Eye On Miami never seemed to forget that we have a little traffic problem down here and that our leaders needed to be reminded about it and reminded to please act in the public interest….

But then this horrible orange thing happened and they got distracted by that and we don’t have our trains yet…

Aaaaand tonight, this happened.

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This is the fastest route home that Waze could give me.

The beginning is in North Bay Village. The end is in Hallandale. They are about 15 miles apart.

Unfortunately there were simply no usable routes remaining and the first thing it found was US 41, State Road 29, and Alligator Alley.

Hey, at least I got to see two panthers at one point while going through Big Cypress….

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at least I'm not merely pissing into the wind here

American Dream… I’m so done

I’m so very very DONE and so are your chances of ever getting anywhere on the roads in northwest Miami-Dade in 2020. I had heard nothing but radio silence on this project for over a year, and this is probably why– they were trying hard to apply decorative wallpaper to an elephant in the room to conceal it.

“It is unlikely that all needed interchange improvements will be approved and constructed by 2020, the build out year for ADM,” Lisa Colmenares, a state transportation planner for South Florida, wrote in a Nov. 23 letter to Miami-Dade. “If any of the interchange improvements fail to be approved … by 2020, the base transportation network that is the foundation of [the county’s] traffic analysis will be invalid.”

They don’t even know—–

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Here’s its likeness in cable nightmare form.

Bang!

I’m still baffled by this one. I’m going down 595 eastbound past Davie when there’s suddenly a massive bang… I didn’t see any objects in the road prior to this but something must have hit hard. I pulled over and found the wheel well liner wrapped around the wheel and what’s left of the front bumper unsnapped from its tracks.

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There was once a big black plastic pan here.

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Flapping in the breeze.

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I do hope that dangling wire would have been for the fog lights on a fancier trim model

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The remains of the pan I had to remove because it was dragging and there’s nothing left to attach it to

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There is no real evidence of what may I may have hit in the road, but it sure did a nice job of demolishing all the plastic parts.

Oh well. Likely coming soon: a post in which I detail reassembling the front of a car in 88 degree December weather.

¡Come Pinga!

Best driver of the year award goes to….. Girl who spent more on her weave and her phone than she did on her car, who slowly drifted out of her lane while poring over something on her phone.

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Fuck this city, I had to go hurry up to go wait in traffic and didn't get time to paint my nails as usual

I didn’t notice this until I felt a very wrong sensation and heard an odd sound and my car started wanting to push left. I looked over and the first thing I saw was my rear view mirror stuck right through her open window next to her face.

I realized I didn’t want to spook her because she’d do something and make it worse… So I gently moved left, getting my mirror out of her oblivious face and gave her some room…. then let loose with the horn.

The phone popped back down and she swerved all the hell over the place before slamming the gas and leaving a cloud of blue gray smoke. Then the phone popped right back up again and she rear ended a dump truck ten seconds later. Of course since she’s already on SR-22 she just ran. So did the dump truck.

But that’s none of my business.

N to the O to the P to the E, that’s a nope

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I cannot understand what the economic benefits to doing this are.

But it’s a definite South Florida Thing so uh

Enjoy sharing the road with that

Yeah that’s how you jinx it

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I’m sitting there after a detour through da hood to avoid I-95, 441, and US1 being at a complete standstill thinking, yeah, this isn’t so bad—-

Is that

Is that a wobbling zombie with needle tracks holding a compound bow and aiming arrows at oncoming traffic?! Fuck shit no.

Apologies to whoever’s lawn I tore up taking evasive measures.

I’m all for musical creativity but….

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There’s some kind of bizarre avant-garde Caribbean jazz playing in this restroom, and if all my senses other than hearing were malfunctioning, I’d be inclined to believe that I’m actually shitting rack screws into an upended steel drum while someone throws many timbales down a flight of stairs.

The language is universal.

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Every day I hear people saying this is the worst traffic they’ve ever seen.

It is literally getting worse every day. This week there are major construction projects being run through rush hour. Where else does anyone ever do that?! Fucking hell.

Serial.println(“This morning’s traffic report:”);

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Seriously.