why thank you officer nitpick

Crawling down the road and a car suddenly leaps out behind me from a driveway and starts the bad red, white, and blue disco lighting.

Officer comes to the passenger side window and asks for my license, registration, and insurance card.

He doesn’t even walk to his car to look up my license or anything, instead, leaning in my window right above the huge TV camera on the seat, he offers wisdom…

Why the hell are you still driving that beat up piece of shit?!

And here is where I regret not having that thing running.
I recognize the officer. He pulled me over a while back and then the exchange was more insensitive than tonight’s.

Where are you from? You don’t look like you’re from around here.

Oh, you are?

… Native American? Aren’t you guys usually totally covered in tattoos and shit? Well I’ll believe you because you’ve got the hair…

Once again you leave me without any cause to write a citation.

Cry me a cuntpuddle canal.

Tongue surface piercings, or, “none of this works that way”.

Once again, you’re just gonna have to take the word of this random hacker yelling about the poor choices of others:

Don’t do this. (Identifying details censored using the Glitch app.) It’s not something to be proud of.

What you're looking at here is actually a double ID-10T error

So what’s wrong here? Everything.

The human tongue is a very flexible part, as it needs to be. You can’t just go pinning it in place with a rigid bar.

It flexes in pretty much every possible direction. The only way you’re going to be able to get a piercing to not cause problems in healing and everyday activities is for it to just go through.

This one will probably never heal, and both the person who did it and the customer should know better. Well, even if the customer didn’t know better. Would I willingly wire up someone’s electric kitchen appliances using 16 gauge lamp cord which would get hot faster than their dinner and cause an electrical fire? No. Should a piercer agree to do something this stupid? No.

Just don’t. It does not work this way. None of this works that way. This is bad and you should feel bad for it.

Thanks, Bill.

Now, there are still risks and complications with having it done right, but at least that can heal – mainly I’ve heard of problems with the jewelry wearing into the teeth or gums.

Yeah uh sure, you can trust me saying all this, I’m the guy who had to search for the lost tiny ball whenever a DJ had an accident with a captive bead ring failing to keep its bead captive. The really crappy little 16 gauge ones from Hot Topic launch it at the lightest brush against one’s headphones. The best was when one went right down a headphone jack and lodged there — the DJ’s survival was guaranteed only by the fact she ordered me dinner from the Latin American Cafe while I replaced the jack with an old school indestructible leaf spring Switchcraft from my private stash.

More horrors from a local shop that’s managed to place themselves as the epicenter of all things ratchet:


I do not possess a frame of reference in which to place this level of utter disapproval.