Help wanted.

Staff member wanted for major nonprofit organization.

Applicant must have strong experience in low voltage electrical, networking, audio and video production, carpentry, stage lighting and prop construction, audio engineering, painting, metalworking, and be able to lift 120 pounds up two flights of stairs repeatedly for hours on end. Must be willing to work days, nights, weekends, holidays, and consecutive daily shifts up to 22 hours in length.

Must be willing to work substantial unpaid overtime at last minute notice.

Applicant should be willing to live with a total lack of ability to plan any activities outside of work due to constantly changing schedules.

Compensation: in some states, Sandwich Artists make more. Full benefits package and paid time off available. You’ll never get to use the paid time off though. Retirement fund provided but you’ll never be able to afford to use it. Daily unpaid lunch break provided, through which you remain on call.

Significant biological and electrical hazards present as well as the risks of handling murderously heavy cargo.

Apply today at [Fnord! Not available at your clearance.]

(There. I wrote it for you. Go ahead and send it to HR for posting. I dare you.)

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