Modifying the lexicon

I hereby propose that a collection of hair elastics be known as a disappearance.

Disappearance (n). A collection of hair elastics, known for their collective habit of disappearing. “Hey! I just had a whole disappearance of hair elastics and now I can’t find any!”

this is why we cannot have nice things

If your store’s posted hours are until 9 pm, it is not advisable to close all registers at 8:30 then cut off the lights and lock the front doors which require a key to open from inside and have nobody standing at them to let customers out.

Have fun tracking down whoever has the key to turn off the alarmed emergency exit I set blaring on the way out.

Douchehydrants.

Here, enjoy some TCFW.

A delicious idea

An idea:
Restaurants offering delivery should add the option to also deliver treats for your pets so you don’t wind up with a begging face glaring at you and your yum disc.

 

The only thing I ask of anyone who implements this idea is that they post pictures of happy cats, dogs, and any other creatures they bring happiness with it. Look at that cute lil pupper!

N.G.* Corral

One of our advertisers has a spot running for a gun shop in which they refer to guns used for defense against fellow humans as an “equalizer”. I have a concern about this society and would like to speak to a manager.

* common abbreviation for No Good

Optical nonsense

My eyes make no sense. My glasses broke a few weeks ago and I glued the bridge back together. They broke again last weekend and the plastic just won’t take being glued again- it turns to powder!

It occurs to me I shouldn’t have had the same pair for over 10 years, right?

So for now I’ve just been dealing with the weird behavior of my distance vision and realizing how little sense it makes.

Things get blurry from about six feet out… but what happens from there is pure fnord.

I can read larger text on the interstate highway signs just fine and some residential street signs. However, some just blur out and the chances of it being legible don’t really even correlate to the font face, size, or colors. Sometimes I’ll even get to watch a blurry one snap into sharp focus after a second.

This is really fun during an eye exam when the results of testing will contradict themselves seconds later.

Meanwhile, I can perfectly see a little 100 foot tower that’s like ten miles away and up a 6000 foot mountain.

What even are eyes? They make less sense then the thorium oxide doped glass in old Pentax lenses.

Salty Ham post.

I’m a little salty, or perhaps just bitter, or both, that the South Florida Hamboree seems to have disappeared again.

A few years back I got it restarted after a long time missing in action, and it was going very nicely. Last year was its first time taking place in a neat venue in Fort Lauderdale, since the Miami-Dade Fair Expo Center would much rather host a far higher paying gun show every other freaking weekend.

But it’s almost December and I saw not a peep from them other than that someone within the club was whining about a financial loss that happened back in two-thousand-and-smegging-three. I guess everyone there would rather just sit around and whine than hold a useful event.

No announcement of a show this coming year, and since the date would have been in late January, it just isn’t happening. The website isn’t even loading anymore.

It may be strange I’m this disappointed considering I now live on the other side of the country but damn it I didn’t put my passion into this to have it just laid to waste again.

Image not related at all: ShitpostBot 5000 template transmitter-594c4f02e4685 in action. One guess as to who created this useless template 😉

Dear FedEx…

Why did you take away literally every possible location to do express shipping over a weekend in northern California outside of Sacramento?!

Why?!

You douchehonking morons.

To be fair this is still an improvement over the way they operated in South Florida, where they did have weekend service but would constantly miss their pickup because the trucks got trafFUCKED and would wind up returning to the depot without making any pickups or deliveries.

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