STUPID DEVELOPMENT UPDATE!

A few years ago, I met a guy who came down here to South Florida after graduating with a master’s degree in community planning.

He could not find a job in Southeast Florida at all, because no planning exists. “Communities” do not exist. What exists is just spray and pray.

Here’s what’s making me mad due to its total illogic and general idiocy.

American [Wet] Dream Miami has not died, sadly. The developers are on board and Miami-Dade County, seeking a new economic engine to the region, is pushing for it to get built as soon as possible.

The State of Florida doesn’t think it’s going to work and may step in to stop it, as they realize the critical lack of transportation and other infrastructure to support the project. Broward County looks on horrified yet powerless to stop it, like a damsel in distress.

Speaking of damsels in distress, let me digress a moment and share with you one of the fucking creepiest ad campaigns I’ve ever seen:

This shit makes me cringe so hard in so many ways, but— I’m not one to speak, I’m just the engineer.

So, since the last time I’ve yelled obscenities at the wall about this thing, they’ve released some informative graphics on the project:

Please note the “Graham Project” – even MORE townhouses. Gr8. Why the hell does it have “DEMO VERSION” watermarks?

The Graham Project is just fucking stupid. Do you really want to live there and find yourself locked up in 1-5 hours of traffic just to get to anything as common as a full sized grocery store? Great! You’ll love this place. The only planned access appears to be by the feeder roads to the mall.

Sprawl kings Lennar Homes also want to shit out another development over protected wetlands to the south of the Graham Project.

And now, site leasing plans revealing an interior floor plan!

First level. Click for full size, but the resolution isn’t much better.
Second level. For some reason the image won’t scale the same way. I can’t even.

The ski slope looks like a robot dick. I’m sorry. It does. There’s no denying that.

And now, here is why this shit will fail and fail hard.

Miami-Dade County’s economy has been in a meltdown since the mid 1990s that is now almost complete. Miami’s got effectively two classes: The rich, who either come from old money, own big foreign corporations…. and those who attempt to make a living working in what businesses are left in Miami-Dade County, or— the flat broke.

Studies have shown that Miami is one of the least affordable cities to live in (or around). Rental housing? Forget it. You pretty much need to be ready to buy a property to live in Miami-Dade County, and you need to be ready to buy that in cash, because you will be competing with foreign cash buyers for that property who just want to sit on it to pad their portfolio with some crap houses that keep a more or less stable value.

Nobody who is going to work in this shit show will be able to afford to live in Miami-Dade County.

Nobody who is going to work in this shit show will be able to afford the time and expenses to commute from anywhere that housing still remains affordable.

And, most importantly:
RETAIL IS DEAD. DEAD. DEAD AS FUCK. STICK A FORK IN IT, IT IS FUCKING DONE.

Yes, I realize the alternate use of this little fuckball is that it contains a half assed “theme park” and water park in its two large open spaces, in addition to what appears to be a specially constructed lake where you can… go fishing?? I don’t get it. Also, where’s the water coming from? If you’ve seen my previous posts on this cocksplat of a plan, I’ve brought up the question of where they’re going to get water. Florida is in drought again this spring, and we haven’t seen the worst of it yet. I hope you’re ready to deal with begging for sustenance from the Department of Water and Power. 😉

FUUUUCK THIS NOISE.

Triple Five group made a half assed promise to run shuttle service between several existing transit hubs to alleviate the congestion. That… just won’t do a thing. They would have likely run shuttles anyway for tourists – Dolphin Mall and Sawgrass Mills have had airport shuttles for years. They transport a few dozen shoppers back and forth a day and that’s about it.

God damn it. I’m not even done here, because the idiots over at Mana Wynwood decided to dig the area a nice posh grave lined in million dollar velvet and bury it. What is Wynwood? Wynwood is an old warehouse/business district that attracted an artists’ scene because it was a good place to find affordable studio space and host some events. Unfortunately, well—

If you’re a Miami native, please try to jog your frame of mind and look at this like an outsider to see how fucking ridiculous it is–

The site of an abandoned RC Cola factory managed to become the preferred site for music festivals and performances. It’s all outdoor – in Florida – no climate control, not even a proper toilet. And now… everything around the abandoned RC Cola plant is HOT SHIT. Just like what’s inside the RC Cola Plant’s portapotties.

So now the plan is, redevelop this area with high density luxury housing, multi-million dollar condos, and high end designer retail that nobody will be able to afford to shop at. Also, the buzzwords “trade center” were thrown out there, but look at every other “trade center” project that’s been attempted in Miami. The “trade center” never materializes and all winds up being “empty-ass class C office space” or ballrooms or other under-utilized shit.

Please note the amazingly good roadway access to this super high density urban development. Oh baby. Fuck you. Fuck. You. (Public transit is available via overcrowded buses that run every 30 minutes on NW 20 ST and NW 2 AVE, if you’re lucky.)

 

Artist’s rendering of…. bullshit, with nauseating perspectives.

What in the actual fuck are you thinking? This is like Brickell City Centre run through a few funhouse mirrors. Unlike the Brickell City Centre, it doesn’t connect to Metromover, so there’s no easy way to just stroll right on in there.

This isn’t … gentrification. This is just plain dropping a Daisy Cutter on the neighborhood and telling everyone fuckety bye. So much for that art community that drew everyone to the area – this will surely make the spaces they work in more valuable as valet parking spots than studios. Oopsie! I’d heard rumblings that there was an effort to provide artists new spaces over in Opa-Locka before everyone just runs out of money and leaves forever, but that’s… Opa-Locka… and safely preparing that space for new use will probably require actual Daisy Cutters.

So previously I’d also questioned the redevelopment of two sites in Broward – the old Plantation Fashion Mall site and the old Boomer’s Dania– those… those seem almost… well designed in comparison. Both are infill developments slated to be mixed use with janky condominium housing and very limited road access. But at least… at least they have road access… and aren’t expected to be quite the same sort of massive overload on the surrounding areas.

Holy shit, nobody has even a sixty fourth of a fucking clue here.

Pssst, hey guys, back to business

I always loved that Eye On Miami never seemed to forget that we have a little traffic problem down here and that our leaders needed to be reminded about it and reminded to please act in the public interest….

But then this horrible orange thing happened and they got distracted by that and we don’t have our trains yet…

Aaaaand tonight, this happened.

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This is the fastest route home that Waze could give me.

The beginning is in North Bay Village. The end is in Hallandale. They are about 15 miles apart.

Unfortunately there were simply no usable routes remaining and the first thing it found was US 41, State Road 29, and Alligator Alley.

Hey, at least I got to see two panthers at one point while going through Big Cypress….

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at least I'm not merely pissing into the wind here

Kendall votes to push the big red button

So that’s it, Kendall has declared itself broken and wants no new development until its traffic problems are fixed… via mass transit improvements.

Sorry guys, you’re trafFUCKED. Forever. Why? You moved into bullshit like this. Here’s an example of the road structure common in KendHELL:

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Developments were intentionally fragmented and designed to make access via anything but motor vehicle impractical to impart an aesthetic sense of distance from the major roadways and create an artificial sense of isolation and security. Many developments are walled in completely and gated.

Yeah… Good luck with that mass transit… It’s nearly impossible. Enjoy your four hour traffic jams.

Might as well just flood it again and return it to the Everglades 😉

The strange tale of the broken Easy Card.

Oh hi. What nonsense is this?

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This is what my easy card looks like on a Tri-Rail ticket machine right now. On a Miami-Dade Transit machine, it looks the same but also shows “day pass… Pending” in the bottom pass list.

No matter what kind of pass I load to this card, it will fail to be activated on first use, and will lead to a negative cash balance for the amount of the regular fare for whatever I rode. The display on the bus fare box or rail station gate reads “Transfer 12:00 AM” when this happens.

The card also won’t let me add to its nonsense negative cash value, so it’s now useless.

I’ve spent $17.05 today so far on the day pass that got stuck in limbo, individual fares on each bus (the card won’t work for bus transfers in this state!), Metrorail parking, and a new Easy Card with one Metrorail fare on it that will replace this broken piece of 💩 that keeps eating my passes.

What is going on here?! I’ve never heard of this happening to anyone else’s Easy Card, so I’m guessing I have a unique and beautiful corrupted snowflake here. The customer service staff don’t understand it either.

I wonder what to do with this card. Send it to MDT so maybe they can work with Cubic Corporation to identify the fault and roll out a software fix*? Microwave it? Will It Blend?

What even is this card?! That’s like asking, “what are birds?” … We don’t even know.

And maybe $17.05 was still worth not having to drive through the boat show traffic.

* this is about as likely to happen as one of the buses running on schedule, or the Prog Stom Assy still working properly on a train. Also, MDT will likely not respond to this post, as their response to me asking for information or reporting issues via social media was to block me, so far on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. MDT blocks: Gotta Catch Em All.
Ⓜ🚂🚃🔩💩🌀🚃🚧⚠💫

Bonus silliness:
This is what the Train Tracker has to say. No clue.

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But at least it’s bullet resistant. TAX DOLLARS GO WHERE ??

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Das Choo Choo

If it ain’t broke, and it’s positively hilarious—

It’s perfect. Don’t “Fix” it.

These videos are of a German “Taurus” locomotive– Siemens EuroSprinter ES 64.

Video of a startup sequence, from onboard – Note that the HMI unit on the dash runs what appears to be Windows 3.x (and starts it DAMN FAST)…

It also, uhhh, does silly things in addition to calling out voice prompts and displaying performance info to the operator…

WARNING: LOUD tone at 35 sec.

 

The musical silliness does not end there. In fact… the PWM converters used to control the motor speed are not fixed frequency, and they play a rising musical scale upon the train’s departure.

 

Oh, and the best part? As hilarious as this thing is— IT HELD SPEED RECORDS!

 

Of course, the French were not to be outdone, and promptly whupped ’em. Not that the Taurus minds, though. It still lives in pride.

The Not So Easy Card

Newly loaded regional monthly pass not working? Oh no problem, just check for a theoretically impossible negative 60 cent cash value on the Easy Card.

Brilliant.

Also, I’ve been blocked by the official social media accounts of Miami-Dade Transit. Gee I wonder why…

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Who needs the American Dream’s indoor ski slope?

We’ve got your crazy thrill ride right here.

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It’s become a big game of chance lately as to whether the Metromover will make this ramp and turnout successfully. Failures are spectacular when they happen; the train either shorts out power with a big loud, bright arc, screeches to an abrupt halt, politely comes to a complete stop and sits there in front of the maintenance facility, or goes dark and free falls down the ramp for a few seconds before being slammed to a halt by the spring loaded parking brakes setting.

There is talk about charging passengers a fare to ride Metromover again, but personally I think all they need is this magical phrase heard on many thrill rides everywhere: “Exit through the gift shop“.

I’m just that ridiculous.

The overhead concourse in the Miami Central Station / Miami Intermodal Center is now fully open end to end. I think it’s got more square footage than the apartment complex I live in…!! Heck, it may be of about equal square footage to the children’s museum.

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This space, however, is not used effectively.

Our transit systems do not run overnight, leaving this whole monster corridor unused overnight.

I propose it double as a bar and nightclub. It’d be kind of amazing.

Here’s an F40PH for no good reason.

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